|
 march 14, 1997
Notes from the Road we're stuck in a winter wonderland. we've been here in colorado for about 4 days now. it's a fairly familiar story: the bus broke down, we had to cancel a few shows, but we got in a few extra days of skiing (not me though; i would be journaling from the hospital if i had been skiing with the rest of the band). we were SICK to have to cancel the portland and seattle shows, but it was a bit far to walk, especially with all the gear that we tote around. don't worry; we'll be back out to those spots ASAP. God has definitely been working in this situation though. some transportation issues that have needed dealing with came to a head, and have gotten resolved. i won't bore you with the details, but let me say that we're all simply amazed at the way that God has totally worked things out for everyone involved. we should be leaving colorado by tomorrow night or so, and heading on to kansas for a few days worth of shows there. as for cliff's and my health, God totally used the few days off that we had about a week ago to heal us. in fact, i'm feeling better these days than in most tours past. praise God! actually, i must give MUCH due credit to my rocking & rolling brother, brandon. he's a doctor in houston, currently working as a family practice resident at southwest memorial hospital in houston. he is the coolest guy that i've ever met. it's so weird how well we get along; we have many of the same friends, and hang out as often as we can on PURPOSE, not like many siblings that i know. we just both admire each other so much, as our talents lie in such different places. (actually, my brother is a darn good guitar player, and i can't even put on a band-aid straight, so he's probably a little more talented than i am.) he always checks me out whenever i get in town between little tours, and makes sure that i leave with whatever i'm gonna need to stay healthy. i'll just say that when we got into colorado, i was pretty much the only one that didn't fall over with all sorts of allergy problems, because of something that he'd given me to take that would prevent that very thing. he rocks. i often wish that i'd written the song 'brother' by toad the wet sprocket, on account of brandon. i've never had any other siblings, so i have no idea what it would be like to have another kind of brother, but i am well aware of how blessed i am with brandon. as i grow older, i appreciate him more and more, and we grow to understand each other more and more. one thing that my brother and i definitely share is a common musical taste; in fact, he was the one that introduced me to indigo girls, who have shaped me more as a songwriter than any other artists. my brother and i often find ourselves listening to rich mullins, whose song 'hope to carry on' we covered on our new record. a friend of mine that i recently met in nashville named bill smith (who goes to belmont, which is where i was supposed to go to school before i got into this band...) and i were talking recently about how interesting it is that young Christian artists try so hard to emulate guys like rich, and other popular artists in the industry; when i was first getting started, i learned to sing by trying as hard as i could to sing just like amy ray, from indigo girls. bill brought up a great point as we were discussing all this though: why is it that we try and be just like our favorite artists, instead of finding out who influenced them, and studying those folks? why be another generation away from the original inspiration of our heroes? if joni mitchell was the one that's always influenced emily saliers (indigo girls, again...), then why would i not want to try and draw the same insight from the song writing of joni mitchell that emily did, rather than getting emily's version of it? (although, emily's version usually rocks my lil' world...) in the same way, why do i so often try to emulate men, whose influence was Jesus, rather than trying to emulate Jesus Himself? this all has become relevant to me as of late. with all the things that are beginning to happen with caedmon's call, i'm sensing a difference in the way that people talk to us, and look at us. my biggest fear is that those who listen to our music and attend our concerts would begin to think that we've got it all together more than they do, simply because of God blessing us the way He has chosen to. i think that this is an important time for all of us to remember exactly who God is, and who we are. i am as human, if not much more, than anyone else i know. i often learn much more from the people that i talk to after shows than those people ever learn from me. even in my writing, i rarely offer any sort of insight; i try to honestly share what's in my head, often from within struggle, not in hindsight of struggle. therefore, i rarely have any insight to share. but i'm often very comforted by just hearing someone admit that they are struggling with something that i'm secretly struggling with, and that can allow me to understand the profound healing that only the Holy Spirit can provide. in our transparency, we can all act as catalysts in the work of the Holy Spirit. you can do it wherever God has you, and i can do it where God has me; or we can decide to not do it, in our respective locations. God has us where we all are for much more profound reasons than we could ever think up. i was once told that humility was defined as "knowing God for who he is, and knowing yourself for who you are, but doing both simultaneously." i think that's exactly right. i just finished the best book that i've ever read in my life. it's a book by john irving called "a prayer for owen meany." yes, i did mention that i was starting this same book in my first journal that i ever wrote, and it has taken me this long to finish it, but it's been worth it. (for a good laugh, you can go back and read that journal. it's the first one that i wrote, and available in 'past journal entries.') for those of you who may read it, i won't divulge it's story but to say that it's about a boy who knew that God had given him purpose, and who lived in the knowledge of that purpose. the thing is that we all have such purpose. we all have such deep purpose that we would be amazed to know, but that's the whole point of faith; we don't know WHAT our purpose is, but that we have one. it's when i forget that that i start getting down on myself. i may not do much in my life that amounts to much, but even the smallest things that i do have more purpose than i could ever imagine. we should never underestimate God. more than that, we should never overestimate ourselves. on my own power, i'm hopeless and without guidance. how often God has allowed me to roam yet "another ten miles," just to prove that very thing to me. as i've said many times before, i'm so thankful that God's love and will aren't contingent upon my believing. there's just no telling where i'd be. let's all promise to do something for each other: be in prayer for me, that i never think more of myself than i really am, and that no one else does either, and i will pray the same for you. as humans, we are so quick to take credit for the things that God accomplishes through us, regardless of how public or how private; regardless of how big or small. it seems that as some people in this industry (or maybe in any industry) become successful, they begin to think that they are somehow better, or different, or more special than other people. that's just the thing; i know that i'm no different from anyone else. even still, how often i have to battle with thinking that the success that we're having is somehow due to something that i've done, or that we've done collectively as a band; for my being "good," or our being "good" as a band. i can tell you that it has exactly NOTHING to do with any of that. i couldn't moralize my way out of a paper bag. i'm a flawed person that often hurts my friends out of selfishness, and often gets prideful about things that God alone has provided for me. i deal with habitual sin that has caged me for years, and sometimes feel like i'll never beat. we're all in this together, and more similar than we think. we need to be praying for each other, and respecting each other, and discipling each other. some Christian artists have images that no man could ever live up to, which only further separates them from those that they are trying to minister to. i would just ask that our friends and our peers that we play for would pray for us, that God would continually keep us at a point of awkward awareness of our lack of ability, and how we are only made worthy through the all sufficiency of our Savior. if we can all remember that, in whatever capacity God has us working, i think that we'll be another step in knowing what it is to "take up our cross." this has all been pretty random. i just never know what in the world i'm going to talk about when writing these things. being as ADD as i am, even if i did know what i was going to talk about, i'd probably end up talking about something altogether different. thanks for your continued prayer concerning our travel. many of those prayers are being answered as we speak. and thanks more for your being so accepting of us over the years. i can't begin to tell you what an effect the experience of being in this band has had on me, and having this journal. know what a responsibility i feel for this gift that God has allowed me to share in. on march 25th, much more of the nation will begin to be exposed to what we have all been sharing for years, and i pray that God will continue to have His way with our lives, and keep us close to His side like never before. honestly, i'm scared; i've never been through anything like this before. imagine what it would be like to suddenly have people know who you are, who you don't know, and to have to keep your head on straight in the midst of all that craziness; that's exactly how it is for us. i'm no different than you; i'm no more prepared for all this than anyone else would be. i know that it's all in God's all capable hands though. this is just going to be sensory overload for a while. i pray that as people see us, it's Jesus who's glorified, and not us. i pray that it's Jesus that they want to be more like, and not us. sometimes i don't even want to be like me. let's all strive to be Christ-like, and not man-like. i know that much of this entry is scattered, but i think that this thin mountain air is making me a little light headed, so i apologize. again thanks for your prayers, and thanks for reading. take care- derek |
